Today's question is “why do my spouse and I keep having the same fight?” The answer that quickly probably pops into your head is because they're so selfish, but that's not very helpful. What the research has found actually, is that in marriages that go the distance, 69% of the things that they disagree over never actually get resolved, meaning you'll never end up seeing eye to eye on 2/3 of the issues in your relationship. Going round and round about the same things where you're never going to see eye to eye is really wasting your own time and theirs.

So, take a better tack. There's other things that can be fruitful in how you discuss and what you say about the issues about which you don't agree.What does that look like? You you have two cameras pointing at the same event, and you see it differently. Each of you share your perspective, not pointing out how the others is factually incorrect or any of those subjective interpretations. You honor each other's perspective. Then you you want to identify how you feel about that situation. What does it mean to you? What does it mean now in relation to your story? Is there significant background information that would be helpful to your partner about why you're having a particular view or reaction to something? Next you invite your partner into why a change would make a difference, why them hearing you would would be important, what that would do for you if they at least respected or sympathized with your perspective, and then you can wish for how you would like things to be different in the future.

There doesn't have to be a winner and a loser. Having a 0 sum game is not a way you want to do a relationship, and so being willing to live in the ambiguity of seeing things differently is a great place to get out of that old cycle.