Celebrated Quitter’s Day? Try a Two Year’s Resolution!
I was at the gym recently, and was surprised to see “National Quitter’s Day” on the TV. Pausing the soothing sound of Tyler Staton reading Praying Like Monks in my Airpods, I approach the screen to see what this is all about. The second Friday of January has been chosen to commemorate the annual tradition of giving up on a New Year’s resolution way too soon. The news program then flashes a graphic to “Be kind to yourself,” followed by this gem: “This year, instead of trying to change yourself, try to be yourself.” After my eye roll reaction to the idea of spinning quitting as a positive thing, I saw the truth in this simple admonition, though my application may not be what the author had in mind. Being yourself, in my definition, means living with integrity according to your values, goals and identity. Since this doesn’t just happen by default, we often need to make changes in order to be who we truly are, the person we aspire to be. Cue: the New Year’s Resolution.
It seems cliche to be another one of those people who ambitiously sets a New Year’s resolution on January 1, only to give up by Quitter’s Day or Super Bowl Sunday. And though there may be some temporary comfort in that bag of Trader Joe’s peanut butter-filled chocolate-covered pretzels, the latter state is worse than the former. Having taken stock of your life in order to set, start, and then fail at a resolution feels worse than not having set one at all, because now you’re dealing with the shame of not following through on your commitment, especially if that means not embodying the person you’re meant to be. But some people buck this trend and actually stick with their resolution for a whole year. And many who accomplish this feat are so comprehensively changed by the endeavor that it becomes part of who they are indefinitely.
One such person is my mom’s friend Rindy, who set the goal 13 years ago to give thanks to God for something every day. She posted her first grateful reflection on Facebook on January 1, 2013, and has not missed a day since! If you’re scrolling your feed for trivial frivolity or political vitriol, don’t follow Rindy, because that’s not who she is!
I have had a similarly transformative experience with two New Year’s resolutions of my own, though I did not start as cleanly as Rindy with 100% success from Day 1 till the present. In fact, in both instances it took me two years to accomplish my one-year goal, but now both have become a part of my lifestyle and identity. My point here is you don’t need to give up on a meaningful goal just because you’ve already “failed” on this year’s resolution!
Many people reach out for professional counseling after several such failed attempts to implement a new healthy behavior or change an addictive pattern or life-controlling habit. The problem was that they focused solely on behavior modification, which is only as strong as one’s will-power. So how can you break the vicious cycle of having a moment of clarity, which leads to trying harder this time, followed by giving in to temptation, and then getting flooded by a wave of shame? In psychotherapy, we compassionately explore your compulsive behavior in light of your life story. We non-judgmentally understand how it has tried to serve you as a coping mechanism, even if it is indeed harmful, sinful or ego dystonic (i.e. not aligned with your identity and values). And only then do we successfully help you move through the three important phases of change.
So what does success look like in a “Two Year’s Resolution”? It involves moving through three phases: behavior change, state change, and trait change. The reason most people “celebrate” Quitter’s Day is that they never get past short-term behavior change, and their will power runs out. Will power is a finite resource, so if the new disciplines aren’t combined with heart change and identity integration, it’s only a matter of time before you fall off the wagon. Sustaining a good habit over the years means spending more time in a state of mind conducive to such behavior. Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) describes this as the coalescence of the brain’s firing patterns into “clusters of activation….These repeated and enduring states of activation of the brain can help define what we see as our personality, our patterns of perception and emotional and behavioral responses that help us denote who we are.” When the new way of acting becomes your new way of being, maintaining a resolution becomes easier–even fun–because it is aligned with your values and integrated into who you are. At that point you have behaviorally, characterologically and materially changed. Then you can stop trying so hard to change yourself, and instead get to enjoy being yourself!
